Friday, May 15, 2009

My old friend Procrastination

I'm always a bit reluctant to reveal too much of myself on the Internet, or in my friendships, but I need some sort of outlet.
I leave here exactly two months from today.
The past few weeks have been really trying for me. I have three massive research papers due before summer, and I can't seem to get in the right mindset to get started on them. My brother and his girlfriend get here on Tuesday until the 23rd. My first paper is due the 25th, with a powerpoint presentation on the 28th. I go to Ireland to see Jimmy June 1-4, Zahra comes June 8-13, my second paper is due June 11. Third due June 17. June 18 I leave for Greece with Amanda, June 24 I come back. June 25 Jenni arrives in Amsterdam. For a week we will do Amsterdam, then we travel our way through Germany to Munich to meet Erin. I will get back from that trip sometime in early July, and then I move back to Tennessee July 15. I don't have a second of down time for the rest of my time here. I'm actually terrified, because this has been my dream since I was 16. I sacrificed an education at a better university to attend MTSU, where I am essentially being paid to attend. This semester has been that one thing I looked forward to when there was nothing else. When I couldn't see the bright side, there was at least this. And now it's almost over. It's one of the most depressing feelings in the world. What do I have to look forward to? A lot, but mostly I tend to focus on coming back to Murfreesboro, the place that kills my soul and ruins Christmas. One more year there. I know that the thing I have to look forward to is reconnecting with my friends. Being here has made me realize who my real friends are, and I know it has done nothing but bring us closer together. I have also made some really great friends here, and I hope that they will become lifelong friends.
Unfortunately, I've found that the past few weeks my mind has either been stuck in the past or in the future. What's better- the anticipation of an event you have been looking forward to for ages, or the feeling you have after a really great event? I don't know that I can decide.
I'm either reflecting on memories, trying to decipher hidden meanings of things from the past, or looking forward to what I have ahead of me and daydreaming about it. I haven't been enjoying the present. And now time is slipping away from me so fast. There is still so much that I haven't done here. Van Gogh museum, canal boats, more city exploring, visiting surrounding towns...

Things from the past I reflect on: roadtrips listening to music, driving in the middle of the night, hallucinating from exhaustion, but knowing it was okay because I had my friend right next to me, or a friend waiting for me to arrive. Late night phonecalls with friends from miles away that kept me up all night even though I am a complete grandmother when it comes to sleep. Summer days spent outside scantily clad and feeling rushes of euphoria at how beautiful life could be. Having conversations that gave me chill bumps. Nights spent outside staring at the stars. Laughing so hard we stopped breathing. Drive-in Sonic nights with my best friend, catching up and being myself more than I've been around anyone else. Spending time at my parent's house, eating home-cooked meals, feeling so utterly loved, playing with Marley, and relaxing.
But you know what? I get all that back in two months.
Things in the future I can't take my mind off of: COMING HOME TO THE BEAUTIFUL SOUTH (I never realized how great home was until I came here). Reconnecting with all of my wonderful friends. A week-long trip to Michigan to see some of my favorite boys in the world, and a possible visit from them in Tennessee! A short but lovely summer. Starting my senior year in college with a bunch of classes that will keep me interested. Going on a motorcycle trip with my dad and uncle to the mountains in Autumn. Getting a tattoo with my dad!
But I get all that in a matter of months as well.
Now I just need to focus on the present, and enjoy it while I still have it. Because Amsterdam has become home to me. I've felt more at peace here than I have felt anywhere else in a long, long time. This place has something special. I can't put my finger on it, but it's there. This place will always be a second home to me, and I know I will return again and again.

I have grown and changed so much as a person in the past few months. But I naively thought that I would come home a fixed girl. I'm not fixed.
I still fall for guys that aren't right for me. I still procrastinate (case and point). I still haven't found that eternal well of happiness. I'm still a cynic about most things that I could afford to be optimistic about. Although my strong will and independence have made a triumphant return, there is still a lot of work to do.
But I am working on it. What else can you do?

(footnote: obviously not the most well-organized thing I have written, apologies.)


cecil said...

sometimes when i actually sit down and read things on the internet it blows my fucking dome all over the wall, and i wonder why i don't read everything more often.

you should also come out to sf. everytime i wear that shirt you wanted me to give you, i think about you.

anappleaday said...

hahaha, sometimes I wonder why you had to be so stingy about that shirt. I would have traded...
A sf trip will definitely be happening sometime in the next...year or so. I wish it could happen sooner, but I have to save up some monies. Next summer for sure! and we will kick it like old times!

ryan manning said...

Procrastination is a behavior which is characterized by deferment of actions or tasks to a later time.

anappleaday said...

...i know that. Perhaps you misunderstood, but I was implying that the entry was a product of procrastination.

madison alexandra said...

I'm glad I read that. It made me realize I've been doing the same thing as you; dwelling on or reflecting too much on the past and being mesmerized by futures dream bubble. Don't feel like I'm ripping you off when you see a blog from me about the same idea :)

Best wishes to you girl!