Tuesday, December 30, 2008

please please please.

I don't want any more guys coming on to me or professing some sort of desire to be with me. Trying to push yourself on me makes me want to run away as fast as I can. I don't know what they expect me to say or do. I am leaving in less than four weeks, and it would be more than a little crazy for me to try to start something now. I refuse to let anyone try to hold me back. That goes for anyone: silly boys, friends and family. I don't want to have to pity anyone else for their own horrible timing. Sorry.
I'm free, and I'm about to go experience the world. Don't you dare try to stop me.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

I hope one day this will all make sense. Until then, I suppose we just have to laugh it off.

Thursday, December 18, 2008


Things are falling into place quite nicely. Today I got my housing assignment, as well as confirmation for the Dutch language course I signed up for. I got a private room with private facilities! balla.
I also got the new Blackberry Storm yesterday. It is amazing...I'm in love.
In addition to these little pieces of good news, moving home has completely changed my attitude. Being here just makes me feel so good. My mom is really happy about it, too. We all win!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I found it! The answer I was looking for. It was right in front of my nose.
It didn't originally make sense because I was blinded by my own compassion. Stupid little foolish girl.
But no anchor is keeping this ship from it's course.
It's time to go go GO!

I took this with a crummy camera while flying over Greenland a summer or two ago. I like it. It's hopeful.
Expect a link to a Flickr soon. It's time for me to make my favorite photos available to the interested.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Besides my family, there is nobody tying me down to this place.
People keep piling disappointment upon disappointment on me, making it easier and easier for me to get the fuck out of here and not miss a thing.
This place is depressing, people are depressing, and I just want to leave here as soon as I can.
god, just get me out of here.
I've wasted too much time trying to make things work.
I hope this is the last straw.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Mumbo Jumbo.

I've always had problems with goodbyes.
I hold on to the fruits of my life until they are rotting in my hands. You can't fix rotten.
In the case of boys, it's always been this way.
I actually kind of try to keep in touch with the first boy I held hands with (at age 13! ...I got a late start).
Then the one who has had a big piece of my heart for nearly 5 years. 3 of which he has had a girlfriend. Not that this factor makes any difference to him. Going on 4 years since I have seen him. And here I am, only 3 months away from seeing him again, and I can't tell if what is filling my stomach is a pack of butterflies or bees. I don't need to be doing this to myself. But how could I not?
I tend to fall for the same type: promise you the world, but have nothing to show for it. Sometimes full of charm, sometimes not. Always have problems being honest. It's a sick cycle that I should be beyond after so much of this in my family history, but I'm not.
I consider myself a smart girl, so I really can't understand why I keep letting myself play the fool.

I think there is some misconception that I am a simple creature, but I am becoming increasingly more complex by the minute. Even those who I let believe that they know who I REALLY am have no clue. It's weird to me; even my best and closest friends have no idea who I am. In fact, I really tend to encourage them to think what they want. I have tried many a time to explain myself, my motives, my rationale, but I've found that I can seldom find the words to explain it to others. Lately, I can't even seem to put the feelings into words in my own jumbled head. That sucks, right? Not even being able to explain yourself to your self.
I used to have to go to counseling when I was younger because I had behavior problems, especially toward my mother. I only remember one session, but apparently there were many. I suppose that time in my life is one I have repressed. My mom told me recently that after many sessions with the counselor, the only solution to the problem was this: "Lauren just views the world differently than others. That's the key to beginning to understand her actions and behavior, thus establishing a foundation of a relationship."
I have a wonderful relationship with everyone in my family now, thank goodness, but I see some truth in that statement.
My head is not a pretty place to be. There are certain parts that are very neat and compartmentalized, and I get a certain satisfaction out of simple tasks. For example, I see my job waiting tables as a bit of a game. Each table is a different level. When I get cut, my side work is the final boss. Going home with some cash is winning the game! I also tend to focus on the most minute of details, completely missing the big picture. I am observant to a fault. Those are the most simple examples of which I could think. Everything else is too abstract to even begin to explain.

Moving on, I've started to become very anxious about going abroad. No one else from my university is going to Amsterdam. When I arrive, I will be utterly alone. Not only that, I get really nervous before getting on planes. A part of me finds it terribly exciting, but another is always thinking worst case scenario. I've imagined saying goodbye to my family and closest friends, and I know I am going to be a mess. I have GOT to start believing in myself. There is definitely the possibility that I will flood the plane with my tears, Alice in Wonderland style.
Like I said, goodbyes are not my forte.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

My entire life, my family has told me that I am too judgmental. I dislike people, until given a reason to like someone. and even then, that doesn't necessarily mean I would like or respect a person. As a child, I would glare at strangers, and throw rude insults at people who loved me. I have changed a bit in my 20 years, but there are some things that will never change. I am, in some mild way, a misanthrope.
But I can understand why.
People are fucking morons.
Every last one of us.
Fucking morons.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I took after Trey and looked up my dream.


Stones may relate to issues of moral judgment and/or guilt.

To see rough stones in your dream, represents your quest in recognizing and developing your self-identity. Part of this quest is to become aware of your unconscious and suppressed thoughts.

Those kind of stood out to me. Then,


To see your legs in your dream, indicate that you have regained confidence to stand up and take control again. It also implies progress and your ability to navigate through life. If your legs are weak, then you may be feeling emotionally vulnerable.

To dream that you legs are wounded or crippled, signifies a lack of balance, autonomy, or independence in your life. You may be unable or unwilling to stand up for yourself. Perhaps you are lacking courage and refuse to make a stand.

And last but not least,


To see or be bitten by a tick in your dream, suggests that a relationship or situation is sucking all the energy out of you. Ask yourself what in your life is causing you much exhaustion.

Freaky, huh? I would have to agree with most of those interpretations.

I'm finally letting go.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

What does it mean?

Last night I had two really strange dreams.
In the first, I was riding a horse that I had telepathic communication with. We rode through this beautiful green path, and we understood each other, but that's really all I can recall.

In the second dream, I had three ticks on my leg. I pulled the first two off, but the third looked like it's head was still in my leg. I squeezed the skin, and two stones popped out. Where they had been, my leg was carved out, hollow, and dead, almost like it was made of wood. It was a really disturbing dream, and I feel uneasy when I think about it.

I don't know what it means.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Funny, not 10 minutes after I wrote that, a friend that I often took for granted in the past called me, and came over. I just finished having one of the most brain-stimulating conversations I have ever had.
Ah, temporary peace at last.

"Welcome to Hell, Lauren. You finally understand."

Friday, November 7, 2008


I have walked through these past few months in a complete daze. Wake up. go to class. eat. nap. work. sleep. repeat. I need to be reprogrammed. It is as if I have to cut through thick fog to get to the source of any problem. I have not had intellectual interaction in so long that it disgusts me. The people I surround myself with have little to offer, besides beer and other party favors. Any semblance of real interaction is actually little more than drunken blandishments.
Why do we even bother pretending that we are doing anything with our lives?
I can't finish a thought. I can't find peace of mind, in any sense.
I have one source of sanity in this town, and it's only once a blue moon that I see her.

I'm in a funk.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I did it!

After months and months of waiting to hear back from the school in Amsterdam, I got my acceptance letter today. Hearing that news is what is going to give me the determination to finish this semester with at least an ounce of grace. I'm going to make it!
I started this blog so that anyone back home who is interested can know what I am doing abroad. Expect a lot of pictures!
But until then... I probably won't update.