I've been putting on my happy face for months now but it's starting to drive me insane. Who do you go to when you don't have a best friend? Much less someone you can just TALK to. Everyone already has their "person" and I feel like the odd one out. These superficial friendships are only so fulfilling.

hm.

There are a lot of people who are way more fucked up than I am. But damn, they have way more pathetic reasons.
Maybe I'll expand on this soon.

:'[

Dear Amsterdam,
Please remember me.

My old friend Procrastination

I'm always a bit reluctant to reveal too much of myself on the Internet, or in my friendships, but I need some sort of outlet.
I leave here exactly two months from today.
The past few weeks have been really trying for me. I have three massive research papers due before summer, and I can't seem to get in the right mindset to get started on them. My brother and his girlfriend get here on Tuesday until the 23rd. My first paper is due the 25th, with a powerpoint presentation on the 28th. I go to Ireland to see Jimmy June 1-4, Zahra comes June 8-13, my second paper is due June 11. Third due June 17. June 18 I leave for Greece with Amanda, June 24 I come back. June 25 Jenni arrives in Amsterdam. For a week we will do Amsterdam, then we travel our way through Germany to Munich to meet Erin. I will get back from that trip sometime in early July, and then I move back to Tennessee July 15. I don't have a second of down time for the rest of my time here. I'm actually terrified, because this has been my dream since I was 16. I sacrificed an education at a better university to attend MTSU, where I am essentially being paid to attend. This semester has been that one thing I looked forward to when there was nothing else. When I couldn't see the bright side, there was at least this. And now it's almost over. It's one of the most depressing feelings in the world. What do I have to look forward to? A lot, but mostly I tend to focus on coming back to Murfreesboro, the place that kills my soul and ruins Christmas. One more year there. I know that the thing I have to look forward to is reconnecting with my friends. Being here has made me realize who my real friends are, and I know it has done nothing but bring us closer together. I have also made some really great friends here, and I hope that they will become lifelong friends.
Unfortunately, I've found that the past few weeks my mind has either been stuck in the past or in the future. What's better- the anticipation of an event you have been looking forward to for ages, or the feeling you have after a really great event? I don't know that I can decide.
I'm either reflecting on memories, trying to decipher hidden meanings of things from the past, or looking forward to what I have ahead of me and daydreaming about it. I haven't been enjoying the present. And now time is slipping away from me so fast. There is still so much that I haven't done here. Van Gogh museum, canal boats, more city exploring, visiting surrounding towns...

Things from the past I reflect on: roadtrips listening to music, driving in the middle of the night, hallucinating from exhaustion, but knowing it was okay because I had my friend right next to me, or a friend waiting for me to arrive. Late night phonecalls with friends from miles away that kept me up all night even though I am a complete grandmother when it comes to sleep. Summer days spent outside scantily clad and feeling rushes of euphoria at how beautiful life could be. Having conversations that gave me chill bumps. Nights spent outside staring at the stars. Laughing so hard we stopped breathing. Drive-in Sonic nights with my best friend, catching up and being myself more than I've been around anyone else. Spending time at my parent's house, eating home-cooked meals, feeling so utterly loved, playing with Marley, and relaxing.
But you know what? I get all that back in two months.
Things in the future I can't take my mind off of: COMING HOME TO THE BEAUTIFUL SOUTH (I never realized how great home was until I came here). Reconnecting with all of my wonderful friends. A week-long trip to Michigan to see some of my favorite boys in the world, and a possible visit from them in Tennessee! A short but lovely summer. Starting my senior year in college with a bunch of classes that will keep me interested. Going on a motorcycle trip with my dad and uncle to the mountains in Autumn. Getting a tattoo with my dad!
But I get all that in a matter of months as well.
Now I just need to focus on the present, and enjoy it while I still have it. Because Amsterdam has become home to me. I've felt more at peace here than I have felt anywhere else in a long, long time. This place has something special. I can't put my finger on it, but it's there. This place will always be a second home to me, and I know I will return again and again.

I have grown and changed so much as a person in the past few months. But I naively thought that I would come home a fixed girl. I'm not fixed.
I still fall for guys that aren't right for me. I still procrastinate (case and point). I still haven't found that eternal well of happiness. I'm still a cynic about most things that I could afford to be optimistic about. Although my strong will and independence have made a triumphant return, there is still a lot of work to do.
But I am working on it. What else can you do?

(footnote: obviously not the most well-organized thing I have written, apologies.)

Postcards from Italy +++ much more!

Looong overdue update! Here are some various pictures from the past few weeks.
Italy:
The Coliseum, obv.

Bernini Fountain. Love me some merman.

Vatican City, looking quite foreboding.

Some REALLY OLD ruins.

Hey look! I found where the Pope sleeps!

St. Peter's Basilica

Trevi Fountain. Bad shot, but I was impatient.

The view from our hotel window.

Back in Amsterdam:
I think this is one of the coolest pictures I have taken yet!

Flower Market.

Keukenhof. A day trip to see the tulips!








My mom leaves tomorrow. It's been fun but I'm ready to be on my own again. Plus I miss riding my bike.
Queen's Day is on Thursday! DRUNK LAUREN WILL OVERTAKE THE STREETS.
I go to Paris on May 2nd to see Cooper!
I found out that Zahra is coming to stay with me in June. and Jenni is coming at the end of June and into July and we are going to Germany. Sooooo excited. I am a lucky girl to be able to see so many friends and family while here.
Planning my trip to Michigan this summer!! and the boys are coming to Tennessee too.
My first half of the summer will be spent in Greece, Germany, and Amsterdam. The second half I get to see my favorite boys twice! and reunite with all my wonderful friends back home!
My life is amazing.

...

When I look back at the pictures of you, the memories...I feel nothing.

I actually got a little homesick yesterday, but I feel a lot better today. I miss just picking up the phone at night to call a friend. And none of you damn losers will get Skype. The only people I talk to on a regular basis are my parents and my Michigan boys. Wouldn't have it any other way, though!

Updates: Mama gets here in TWO DAYS! I can't wait for the hug.
Rome on FRIDAY!
I booked my trip to Santorini, Greece. BEHOLD:

yay!
Queen's Day is in two weeks!
and I see Cooper Pooper in 2.5 weeks!
and the weather has been amazing!
I love my life.

also: you know that feeling when you are talking to someone who seriously makes you laugh all the time? It's like butterflies and euphoria. Yeah. I like that feeling :)

Norwayyyy!

WTF. Let's go to Norway, now.

rant of sorts

It really bothers me how harshly people are judged sometimes. Not in every case, or hopefully even most cases, but it seems to me like Christians are some of the most judgmental people I know. (like I said, this is not the case all the time, or even most of the time). But a Christian has no right to judge someone who chooses to be agnostic, atheist, Jewish, Buddhist, and so on. I was raised Christian and went to a Christian school for nine years. What I learned from the teachings and belief system is that the most important rule is to love and be loved. and that the only one who can ever judge is God. Just because someone is not a Christian does not mean they do not have a good heart and extremely high morals. Being atheist does not mean someone is an evil, corrupt, lyin', stealin' lady of the night. In fact, my best friend, who happens to be atheist, is one of the most good-hearted girls I have ever had the pleasure to have in my life.
With me and my friend, deciding to not be a Christian was a choice, influenced by nothing other than our own personal beliefs. That doesn't mean that all "christian" morals fly out the window when one makes this decision. I consider myself very well-versed in Christianity and the Bible, but just because I don't accept it as my faith and religion doesn't mean I didn't learn anything from the teachings.
Really, what is important is having a good heart. As the bible says, see the plank in your eye before you focus on a speck of sawdust in your neighbor's eye.

ANYWAY- glad I got that off my chest.

Kat is in town!! We went to the Anne Frank house yesterday, which was extremely moving. It gave me chills to stand in her room, with the cut-outs from magazines she used to decorate the walls still there.
Tonight is Euro beer night! Kat's two friends come into town this evening, so we should have fun times. So much stuff to do, so little time.
Amsterdam is the coolest city ever. It's a city of letting go, moving on, and being HAPPY. At least for me :)

I am going to miss it.

A long overdue update! Here are a very few pictures from Sweden. The pictures do not do the beauty of this country any justice. Plus, because I had only carry-on luggage, I did not have room to pack a nice camera.
This is the Swedish Kronor. I love European currency. It's like Monopoly money!

This is Vaxholm, the small fishing village we told was a "must see". It wasn't.

Our confusion about why anyone would recommend that we spend an entire day here.

But! We took a ferry back to Stockholm, which included lots of wine that we smuggled out in water bottles. All the liquor stores close on Sundays, and we needed some drinks! It was our only option.

Frozen wonderland in front of the Royal Palace. That's a frozen lake in the background.

Royal Palace

A frozen waterway.


And these are from my class trip to Amsterdam North!


This Catholic church is one of the most prominent buildings seen when exiting Centraal Station. It's crazy that only across the IJ waterway, there is this tiny quaint part of Amsterdam, separate from all the hustle and bustle of the city.

These houses are where the ship captains used to live.



Pretty thangs.


A giant cruise ship in the IJ.

This is low income housing. I want to live there! The area was fragrant with flowers and so so cute. Better than any low income housing I have seen.

Back across the IJ near the Nemo. Old ships.



I've started to cope with things I miss. To replace Mexican food, there is Turkish pizza, Surinamese, Lebanese, Chinese, and all other sorts of different international cuisine to choose from that is just delicious. I've also started to realize who my real friends are. And those who haven't made an effort, they aren't missed. I have no TV, no car. I ride my bike everywhere (20 miles yesterday!) Life is simpler. I am happier. SO much happier. You wouldn't even recognize me.
and some news: I bought my plane ticket to Paris in May! Cooper and his girlfriend are flying there, and then working their way up to Amsterdam, so I am going to spend a long weekend with them in Paris at the beginning of their travels.
Also, Kat and two of her guy friends are coming from their exchange in Spain to stay with me in two weeks! Four people living in my little shipping container. Will definitely be a lot of cuddling. and TOO MUCH FUN.
And I bought a ticket to go see Andrew Bird and Laura Marling at Paradiso. It's going to be an AMAZING show.
There is a boy that I have dubbed Angel Face that I have seen around several times. Something about him intrigues me. I still haven't talked to him yet though.
Mama bird comes to visit in less than a month! April is going to be busy and exciting. We are going to Rome one weekend, then the second we are going to just go all out in Amsterdam.
And lastly, I have a mouse that lives under my refrigerator. I just had to kindly ask it to disappear, as it peered out from under the fridge, looking for crumbs. I probably need a mouse trap, but that just feels wrong. He doesn't bother me so much.

cha cha, cha cha, cha chaaaa.

Seriously, are any of you listening to Jens Lekman yet? HE IS SETTING MY HEART ON FIRE!
I went to Stockholm last weekend. It is SO beautiful there. The landscapes, and especially the people. Jens was especially enchanting to listen to there, as he is Swedish. I seriously don't know how I got to be so lucky as to have this opportunity. Back home, I went to my parent's house for the weekend. Here, I actually LIVE in Amsterdam, and plan weekend trips to Belgium, Sweden, Spain, England, Ireland, Italy, Germany...the possibilities are endless!
Arriving by train back into Amsterdam after a few days away always gives me butterflies. I honestly think I am in love. In love with people, with places, with how I feel. I embrace walking out of Centraal Station into a light mist and overcast skies. Even though my bike is a piece of shit, I am starting to love it. The weather gets a little better with each passing day. The only Starbucks is in the Schipol Airport. The soup kitchens are precious. Buying a herring sandwich at a stand in the middle of a square is a must. HOT CHOCOLATE. The fashion (THE SALES). People watching. All of the different cultures all packed into the city. Amsterdam is the most culturally diverse city in the world. One minute you're walking down a typically Dutch street, then the next you are surrounded by Caribbean influence. Coffee houses and "coffee shops", I love you both. Going to the zoo stoned. Endless parties...every night. Sexy European men. And above all, the strong sense of independence I have here. You'll have to drag me kicking and screaming away from this place.
sigh.

"Can you hear the beat of my heart?
Bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp!"

Sweden pictures soon!

Hmmm vacay?

My mom is coming in April for two weeks! which gives us two five day weekends for trips!
We were thinking:
Romantic Road (look it up!), somewhere in the Mediterranean, Portugal, Spain, France, or somewhere else.....but we can't make up our minds!

If you could travel to somewhere in Europe, where would you go? You can live vicariously through me and mama bird ;)

Does she know that I am not just searching for some first time high?

Guess what? I've already been here for a month! Kind of hard to believe, huh?

Guess what else? The American flu shot doesn't work against the evil evil thing that is the Euro Flu! yay! I have LITERALLY not left my room/building since I got back from the Hague on Saturday except to crawl to Albert Heijn to get sickness supplies such as soup, juice, Rivella (my favorite drink ever!), oranges, and tea. Oh and I also managed to go to class today...can't afford to get behind!
The Euro Flu has these following symptoms: going from healthy and happy to agony in a matter of minutes; body and muscle aches so severe that you proooobably will just lay in bed all day and groan like an old man and maybe shed a few tears; also, headaches that make you want to cease existing; when you get the strength to stand, you will walk like a cripple; also, the possibility of spontaneous heavy nosebleeds whenever you stand; a throat so sore that you wonder if perhaps the gods hates you; coughing and wheezing; coughing up objects that look like they may be alive; tumors on tonsils; hilarious delirium; fevers that wake you up because you are sweating so much; and the weirdest dreams....EVER.

So, long story short, everyone send some good vibes my way so I do not have to be a flu zombie anymore.

In other news, Stockholm next weekend!
In other other news, I need a space cake. and on my way to class today I saw two pigeons doing it.

That's all for now! LOOOOOVE

A Note of Appreciation

Dear Breakfast,
I love you.

Yours truly,
Lauren.







Crushes are fun, aren't they? I am starting to think that the initial crush and innocent flirting are more fun than the "real deal". It's light and easy, he makes you blush and smile, he hasn't tried to sleep with any of your friends yet....you know! Regardless, boys are making us girls here all a little giddy. Ah, but if only they were easier to read!

Mmm Waffles!

I went to Brussels, Belgium this weekend with some of the girls and Jake. The waffles there were amazing. Here are some pictures.




Waffles drizzled in chocolate? We ladies were in heaven.


oh, hey me. I think my jacket shrunk?

I thought this looked kind of cool.

The girls! it's really dark...bc boys don't know how to take pictures.

Some European Union building.

This is really tilted because I took it out of a train window, but I love all of the windmills. and the landscape is really dreary. I like it.

oh oh and this is the tapestry hanging over my bed! Love it!


We have all started to feel a little homesick. It's difficult, but it's nice to know we have each other, and that we are all going through the same thing. For some reason, arriving back into Amsterdam today made a lot of the homesickness subside. This city is my home away from home.