Sunday, September 27, 2009
I've been putting on my happy face for months now but it's starting to drive me insane. Who do you go to when you don't have a best friend? Much less someone you can just TALK to. Everyone already has their "person" and I feel like the odd one out. These superficial friendships are only so fulfilling.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
hm.
There are a lot of people who are way more fucked up than I am. But damn, they have way more pathetic reasons.
Maybe I'll expand on this soon.
Maybe I'll expand on this soon.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
My old friend Procrastination
I'm always a bit reluctant to reveal too much of myself on the Internet, or in my friendships, but I need some sort of outlet.
I leave here exactly two months from today.
The past few weeks have been really trying for me. I have three massive research papers due before summer, and I can't seem to get in the right mindset to get started on them. My brother and his girlfriend get here on Tuesday until the 23rd. My first paper is due the 25th, with a powerpoint presentation on the 28th. I go to Ireland to see Jimmy June 1-4, Zahra comes June 8-13, my second paper is due June 11. Third due June 17. June 18 I leave for Greece with Amanda, June 24 I come back. June 25 Jenni arrives in Amsterdam. For a week we will do Amsterdam, then we travel our way through Germany to Munich to meet Erin. I will get back from that trip sometime in early July, and then I move back to Tennessee July 15. I don't have a second of down time for the rest of my time here. I'm actually terrified, because this has been my dream since I was 16. I sacrificed an education at a better university to attend MTSU, where I am essentially being paid to attend. This semester has been that one thing I looked forward to when there was nothing else. When I couldn't see the bright side, there was at least this. And now it's almost over. It's one of the most depressing feelings in the world. What do I have to look forward to? A lot, but mostly I tend to focus on coming back to Murfreesboro, the place that kills my soul and ruins Christmas. One more year there. I know that the thing I have to look forward to is reconnecting with my friends. Being here has made me realize who my real friends are, and I know it has done nothing but bring us closer together. I have also made some really great friends here, and I hope that they will become lifelong friends.
Unfortunately, I've found that the past few weeks my mind has either been stuck in the past or in the future. What's better- the anticipation of an event you have been looking forward to for ages, or the feeling you have after a really great event? I don't know that I can decide.
I'm either reflecting on memories, trying to decipher hidden meanings of things from the past, or looking forward to what I have ahead of me and daydreaming about it. I haven't been enjoying the present. And now time is slipping away from me so fast. There is still so much that I haven't done here. Van Gogh museum, canal boats, more city exploring, visiting surrounding towns...
Things from the past I reflect on: roadtrips listening to music, driving in the middle of the night, hallucinating from exhaustion, but knowing it was okay because I had my friend right next to me, or a friend waiting for me to arrive. Late night phonecalls with friends from miles away that kept me up all night even though I am a complete grandmother when it comes to sleep. Summer days spent outside scantily clad and feeling rushes of euphoria at how beautiful life could be. Having conversations that gave me chill bumps. Nights spent outside staring at the stars. Laughing so hard we stopped breathing. Drive-in Sonic nights with my best friend, catching up and being myself more than I've been around anyone else. Spending time at my parent's house, eating home-cooked meals, feeling so utterly loved, playing with Marley, and relaxing.
But you know what? I get all that back in two months.
Things in the future I can't take my mind off of: COMING HOME TO THE BEAUTIFUL SOUTH (I never realized how great home was until I came here). Reconnecting with all of my wonderful friends. A week-long trip to Michigan to see some of my favorite boys in the world, and a possible visit from them in Tennessee! A short but lovely summer. Starting my senior year in college with a bunch of classes that will keep me interested. Going on a motorcycle trip with my dad and uncle to the mountains in Autumn. Getting a tattoo with my dad!
But I get all that in a matter of months as well.
Now I just need to focus on the present, and enjoy it while I still have it. Because Amsterdam has become home to me. I've felt more at peace here than I have felt anywhere else in a long, long time. This place has something special. I can't put my finger on it, but it's there. This place will always be a second home to me, and I know I will return again and again.
I have grown and changed so much as a person in the past few months. But I naively thought that I would come home a fixed girl. I'm not fixed.
I still fall for guys that aren't right for me. I still procrastinate (case and point). I still haven't found that eternal well of happiness. I'm still a cynic about most things that I could afford to be optimistic about. Although my strong will and independence have made a triumphant return, there is still a lot of work to do.
But I am working on it. What else can you do?
(footnote: obviously not the most well-organized thing I have written, apologies.)
I leave here exactly two months from today.
The past few weeks have been really trying for me. I have three massive research papers due before summer, and I can't seem to get in the right mindset to get started on them. My brother and his girlfriend get here on Tuesday until the 23rd. My first paper is due the 25th, with a powerpoint presentation on the 28th. I go to Ireland to see Jimmy June 1-4, Zahra comes June 8-13, my second paper is due June 11. Third due June 17. June 18 I leave for Greece with Amanda, June 24 I come back. June 25 Jenni arrives in Amsterdam. For a week we will do Amsterdam, then we travel our way through Germany to Munich to meet Erin. I will get back from that trip sometime in early July, and then I move back to Tennessee July 15. I don't have a second of down time for the rest of my time here. I'm actually terrified, because this has been my dream since I was 16. I sacrificed an education at a better university to attend MTSU, where I am essentially being paid to attend. This semester has been that one thing I looked forward to when there was nothing else. When I couldn't see the bright side, there was at least this. And now it's almost over. It's one of the most depressing feelings in the world. What do I have to look forward to? A lot, but mostly I tend to focus on coming back to Murfreesboro, the place that kills my soul and ruins Christmas. One more year there. I know that the thing I have to look forward to is reconnecting with my friends. Being here has made me realize who my real friends are, and I know it has done nothing but bring us closer together. I have also made some really great friends here, and I hope that they will become lifelong friends.
Unfortunately, I've found that the past few weeks my mind has either been stuck in the past or in the future. What's better- the anticipation of an event you have been looking forward to for ages, or the feeling you have after a really great event? I don't know that I can decide.
I'm either reflecting on memories, trying to decipher hidden meanings of things from the past, or looking forward to what I have ahead of me and daydreaming about it. I haven't been enjoying the present. And now time is slipping away from me so fast. There is still so much that I haven't done here. Van Gogh museum, canal boats, more city exploring, visiting surrounding towns...
Things from the past I reflect on: roadtrips listening to music, driving in the middle of the night, hallucinating from exhaustion, but knowing it was okay because I had my friend right next to me, or a friend waiting for me to arrive. Late night phonecalls with friends from miles away that kept me up all night even though I am a complete grandmother when it comes to sleep. Summer days spent outside scantily clad and feeling rushes of euphoria at how beautiful life could be. Having conversations that gave me chill bumps. Nights spent outside staring at the stars. Laughing so hard we stopped breathing. Drive-in Sonic nights with my best friend, catching up and being myself more than I've been around anyone else. Spending time at my parent's house, eating home-cooked meals, feeling so utterly loved, playing with Marley, and relaxing.
But you know what? I get all that back in two months.
Things in the future I can't take my mind off of: COMING HOME TO THE BEAUTIFUL SOUTH (I never realized how great home was until I came here). Reconnecting with all of my wonderful friends. A week-long trip to Michigan to see some of my favorite boys in the world, and a possible visit from them in Tennessee! A short but lovely summer. Starting my senior year in college with a bunch of classes that will keep me interested. Going on a motorcycle trip with my dad and uncle to the mountains in Autumn. Getting a tattoo with my dad!
But I get all that in a matter of months as well.
Now I just need to focus on the present, and enjoy it while I still have it. Because Amsterdam has become home to me. I've felt more at peace here than I have felt anywhere else in a long, long time. This place has something special. I can't put my finger on it, but it's there. This place will always be a second home to me, and I know I will return again and again.
I have grown and changed so much as a person in the past few months. But I naively thought that I would come home a fixed girl. I'm not fixed.
I still fall for guys that aren't right for me. I still procrastinate (case and point). I still haven't found that eternal well of happiness. I'm still a cynic about most things that I could afford to be optimistic about. Although my strong will and independence have made a triumphant return, there is still a lot of work to do.
But I am working on it. What else can you do?
(footnote: obviously not the most well-organized thing I have written, apologies.)
Monday, April 27, 2009
Postcards from Italy +++ much more!
Looong overdue update! Here are some various pictures from the past few weeks.
Italy:
The Coliseum, obv.
Bernini Fountain. Love me some merman.
Vatican City, looking quite foreboding.
Some REALLY OLD ruins.
Hey look! I found where the Pope sleeps!
St. Peter's Basilica
Trevi Fountain. Bad shot, but I was impatient.
The view from our hotel window.
Back in Amsterdam:
I think this is one of the coolest pictures I have taken yet!
Flower Market.
Keukenhof. A day trip to see the tulips!
My mom leaves tomorrow. It's been fun but I'm ready to be on my own again. Plus I miss riding my bike.
Queen's Day is on Thursday! DRUNK LAUREN WILL OVERTAKE THE STREETS.
I go to Paris on May 2nd to see Cooper!
I found out that Zahra is coming to stay with me in June. and Jenni is coming at the end of June and into July and we are going to Germany. Sooooo excited. I am a lucky girl to be able to see so many friends and family while here.
Planning my trip to Michigan this summer!! and the boys are coming to Tennessee too.
My first half of the summer will be spent in Greece, Germany, and Amsterdam. The second half I get to see my favorite boys twice! and reunite with all my wonderful friends back home!
My life is amazing.
Italy:
The Coliseum, obv.
Bernini Fountain. Love me some merman.
Vatican City, looking quite foreboding.
Some REALLY OLD ruins.
Hey look! I found where the Pope sleeps!
St. Peter's Basilica
Trevi Fountain. Bad shot, but I was impatient.
The view from our hotel window.
Back in Amsterdam:
I think this is one of the coolest pictures I have taken yet!
Flower Market.
Keukenhof. A day trip to see the tulips!
My mom leaves tomorrow. It's been fun but I'm ready to be on my own again. Plus I miss riding my bike.
Queen's Day is on Thursday! DRUNK LAUREN WILL OVERTAKE THE STREETS.
I go to Paris on May 2nd to see Cooper!
I found out that Zahra is coming to stay with me in June. and Jenni is coming at the end of June and into July and we are going to Germany. Sooooo excited. I am a lucky girl to be able to see so many friends and family while here.
Planning my trip to Michigan this summer!! and the boys are coming to Tennessee too.
My first half of the summer will be spent in Greece, Germany, and Amsterdam. The second half I get to see my favorite boys twice! and reunite with all my wonderful friends back home!
My life is amazing.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
...
When I look back at the pictures of you, the memories...I feel nothing.
I actually got a little homesick yesterday, but I feel a lot better today. I miss just picking up the phone at night to call a friend. And none of you damn losers will get Skype. The only people I talk to on a regular basis are my parents and my Michigan boys. Wouldn't have it any other way, though!
Updates: Mama gets here in TWO DAYS! I can't wait for the hug.
Rome on FRIDAY!
I booked my trip to Santorini, Greece. BEHOLD:
yay!
Queen's Day is in two weeks!
and I see Cooper Pooper in 2.5 weeks!
and the weather has been amazing!
I love my life.
also: you know that feeling when you are talking to someone who seriously makes you laugh all the time? It's like butterflies and euphoria. Yeah. I like that feeling :)
I actually got a little homesick yesterday, but I feel a lot better today. I miss just picking up the phone at night to call a friend. And none of you damn losers will get Skype. The only people I talk to on a regular basis are my parents and my Michigan boys. Wouldn't have it any other way, though!
Updates: Mama gets here in TWO DAYS! I can't wait for the hug.
Rome on FRIDAY!
I booked my trip to Santorini, Greece. BEHOLD:
yay!
Queen's Day is in two weeks!
and I see Cooper Pooper in 2.5 weeks!
and the weather has been amazing!
I love my life.
also: you know that feeling when you are talking to someone who seriously makes you laugh all the time? It's like butterflies and euphoria. Yeah. I like that feeling :)
Thursday, April 9, 2009
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